The Obama administration announced Thursday plans for a relief fund to help struggling canoe builders. "When I was approached by a white-haired, pot-bellied, weird-bearded old guy holding a canoe paddle, I thought I was going to be attacked," said President Obama, "then I realized his real concern was a bailout." The Bailout Bill for the canoe industry will contain facets which fall in with administration goals for the Carbon-foot-print Reduction Bill, the Leather Industry Bailout Bill, new regulations coming out of the EPA, the Clean Waters Act and (somehow or another) reduction of salaries of top executives in the wood-canvas canoe industry. The bailout hinges upon approval of a bill to ban the use of any plastics in wood and canvas canoes. This will mean completely stopping the use of modified dish soap and/or bleach containers. These items are currently being used to remove polluted water from inside wood and canvas canoes. Besides the polluted water, these plastics are often lost overboard, contributing to the litter in US waterways. (It's estimated that one of these items is lost by a wood canvas canoeist EVERY three or four years.) After implementing this ban, each wood and canvas canoe owner will be able to apply for a bailout. This bailout will consist of a piece of leather and a one dollar bill. Instructions will be included on how to build a scoop with the leather and a few pieces of wood. Any nails needed for the scoop can be purchased using the dollar. No bailout will be offered without the wood canoe owner completing a registration program. Canoes will be inspected by the Coast Guard, measured by the National Institute of Science and Technology, paints and fillings checked for lead by the EPA, and accessibility in accordance with the ADA is mandatory. It is estimated that at least three canoes will pass all these inspections and registrations and will be given the bailout. One early participant in the bailout, Mike Cavanaugh of Upper State New York, was very excited over the program. (Cavanaugh it seems, is the only citizen of New York State OUTSIDE of New York City to receive ANY bailout benefit what-so-ever.) "You don't know how happy I am with my bailout! I used to use the old bailout as a handy... you know... urinal. Sometimes the cap would be off and you can imagine the reults.... But now with my new bailout all I have to worry about is the lingering smell." Cavenaugh went on: "And best of all, I only had to buy 10 cents worth of nails. So after all the New York State and local taxes, I got 41 cents back from the bailout dollar. Now that's CHANGE!"